September 26, 2009

Feast of St. Cosmos and St. Damian,  martyrs   

So, as of today, I have been here at seminary for a month.  When I look back... I am amazed that it has been 4 weeks because it has gone so fast, while at the same time I am amazed that it has ONLY BEEN 4 weeks.  I feel so at home here, now.   But 2 weeks ago, I didn't feel that way at all.  I was so lonely.  I needed a friend, I needed a hug. 

         I am a people person, in a lot of ways very gregarious, exuberant, charismatic, outgoing.... seeing a theme here?  I can talk to just about anyone.  At the same time, I am also very private.  The person I am inside is not the same person the world sees.  I crave intimacy... not in a sexual way, although in the past I thought that I could fill this need with this, but no, I crave it in an emotional way.  I need to give love, and to recieve it in return.  I need to be able to be open and honest.  I am the person that other people come to with their problems... so who I can go to and share my problems is often limited.  I realize this... and it has been this way for a long time... really since I was a teenager.  I also realize that this is part of my Vocation, that people are comfortable talking to me, opening up their hearts to me, and I know that this will be an intregal part of my minsitry as Priest.  And I embrace this... most of the time.  But it does come with a cost.  I needed a hug. 

    People will think they know me well... and yet they don't know the me I keep inside... the Psalm 139 me.  The me that only a handful of people know me.  And in order for me to really be me... I need those people.  My brothers at Ave Maria are those guys... but I had not had the time to develop those kind of relationships yet.  It takes to build trust, and most of all...I had to be attentive to the Lord's leading. 

      In the past, I would feel this need coupled with a deep lonliness... and I would act out in an unhealthy way.  And I seriously did not want to do that now, most of all here at seminary.  So I would sit in the chapel, talking to Our Lord as He rested in repose in the Tabernacle, pouring out my heart to Him, crying out for a touch, for a friend, for a brother.  I needed a hug. 

     Then last weekend, a group of us went to pray outside of an abortion clinic.  And of course... it was heartwrenching... knowing what was going on inside the clinics, lives being ruined, being snuffed out...  and here I was, bleeding in spirit for a need that looks so small compared to that....After our time of prayer and witness... we went down to the Strip to grab some lunch and meet with a seminary alum who was ordained this past June.  And there was this fellow seminarian leading the charge.  He and I had talked a little in the couple weeks... and I found him to be funny.  But as I spent this day with him, I became aware of a very keen interest to seek him out and talk to him.  So I did. 

     And we talked for hours....like 4.  And I shared my life with him, and shared his with me... and by the end of the eveing... I had a new brother... and I got my hug.  We have been praying Compline (Night Prayer- the last Hour of the Day in the Liturgy of the Hours) together.  And it has been so great.  We could not be more different.  He is fit, a former military guy, a little shy, somewhat introverted.....so many things I am not.  I think we will be good for each other.  And... I now have someone to be open with ... to be accountable to, to take my mask off, and to be ME.  But most of all... I can get my hug. 

August 29th-Martyrdom of St. John the Baptist

So, it has been nearly a month since I wrote last... and much has happened. 

I sit in my room in a new place, at St. Vincent Seminary in Latrobe, PA.  How all this happened is a tale in God's faithfulness and the generosity of many.  Classes start on Monday.  With all my obligations, classes, prayer and just general life at the seminary, I am not sure how much time I will be able to dedicate to my blog...but I will try. 

I ask for your prayers.

I think this says it best what my life is supposed to be about:

"The basic principle of a seminarian's spiritual formation is to live in intimate and unceasing union with God the Father, through His Son Jesus Christ, in the Holy Spirit." (PPF 5th Ed, No. 106-107)

If you have love for Him, you must have love for others. 

mjw

The Holy Father’s move to allow a wider celebration of the Tridentine Mass was, and continues to be big news and the topic of debate and discussion in most “conservative” Catholic circles.   I would suspect it has also been discussed in some if not most “liberal” circles as well, although I have no knowledge of this.  I use the quotes because I don’t really care for these politically derived labels.  I prefer true or false, right or wrong, Catholic or Protestant.  Political categories simply do not adequately express the religious reality of faithful or unfaithful.  This topic, however, is not the intention of this essay.  And I know I will catch some heat from "Traddies", but that is OK too. 

To set the field, I declare that I am a convert, the son of two Evangelical Friends Church ministers, but I have been Catholic for 12 years now.  Until I converted, there had not been any Catholics in my family since the time of the Anglican split.  No one in my family waxes on eloquently about life “before the Council,” so… the Church post Vatican II is all I know.  Let me say this: I have no problem with Pope Benedict issuing a universal indult.  I have friends in the “Traditionalist” camp that have been overjoyed with this, and because they are my friends, I want them to be as happy and spiritually fulfilled as possible.  What I do have a problem with is this… I don’t appreciate being made to feel “less Catholic” because I prefer the Mass of Vatican II as opposed to the Trent liturgy.   It is not the Holy Father, or the Vatican Curia causing me to feel this way either.  I have been to many licit Tridentine Masses, and I think they are very beautiful, very reverent, and very awe-inspiring.  I also found that my mind was wandering all over, actively wondering when it was going to end.  I don’t mean that disrespectfully.  I recognize that it is a Liturgy of the Church, the Extra-Ordinary Form, and I would like to see it be made available for those that desire it. I know that in the Tridentine Liturgy, Jesus is made present for me to receive in the Holy Eucharist.  But He is there for me just as much at the Mass celebrated at St. Michael’s in Greenfield, Indiana as He is at that Tridentine Liturgy at Holy Rosary parish downtown Indianapolis.  That is the heart of my concern.  The Eucharist is the same, whether it is celebrated with jewel encrusted surplice and chalice, multiple altar boys, a full Gregorian chant choir in a towering cathedral church; or in a grass and mud hut church with simple cotton vestments on the plains of the Serengeti.  Our Lord, in all His Divine Wisdom, Humility and Love, humbled Himself to be available to us in this manner.  To deny this, would mean that the Church at the Second Vatican Council fell into apostasy, led by the Successor of Peter, and thus, the whole house of cards comes crashing down.  And this would contradict the very words of Our Lord, “And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it.” The Gospel of St. Matthew 16:18 (NRSV)

The Tridentine Liturgy is beautiful, it is reverent, but I prefer to be a participator, rather than an observer.  I like responding to the priest, and being active in my liturgical worship, but this preference does not make me a lesser Catholic, a liberal Catholic, let alone a Protestant!  I spent 23 years as a Protestant, not a good one mind you, but I know what it is to be Protestant.  And the Holy Mass that I know and love as the Mass of Vatican II is not even in the same realm.  I think, and there are many theologians who agree, that the Holy Spirit was clearly acting through Blessed Pope John XXIII and the Council Fathers with the convening of Vatican II.  The Holy Spirit, who is the Lord and Giver of Life, knew that man was becoming more and more cynical, increasingly detached from reality, retreating into himself and the depravity of his sin.  More and more, man was forsaking the very God who made him and loved him enough to take on flesh and die for him, continuing to be available to him in the most Holy Sacrament of the Altar.  This man needs to be active in his response towards God as he was in turning away from Him.  This active and visible response is called worship.  Possibly this speaks to a lessening of the sophistication of man, despite all of his advancements and technology, but if you don’t understand first principles, you cannot understand higher things.   It is the nature of how man learns.   

There is something very Biblical, very book of Revelation according to St. John, in the call and response of the priest/celebrant and faithful of the Mass of Vatican II.  In Revelation 5, the elders and the angels call back and forth as they worship the Lamb.  This is similar to the scene in Isaiah 6 with the living creatures and the angels.    Catholic life and liturgy needed to return to the first principles of the liturgy found in the Holy Scriptures and the writings of the Fathers.  This return to the Church’s Patristic roots is the product of Vatican II.  Again, this was not and is not Modernism.   Both our current Holy Father and his predecessor were active participants in the council and at least witnessed—if not actively approved—the scrapping of the originally proposed documents that were a continuation of the Church as status quo in favor of documents imbued more strongly with Scripture and the Fathers.

There are those who will read this, and say that it is just more post Vatican II touchy-feely emotionalism.   I would answer those people this way:  that anytime you are dealing with liturgy and the manner in which people worship- it is emotional.  The emotions of the Traditionalists run just as deeply about the Old Mass.  There is nothing wrong with emotions.  God gave them to us for a reason.  The worshipping of our Creator should stir our emotions, and this has nothing to do with the condemned heresy of Modernism.  It has to do with the core of who man is in relation to God and what is registered on an internal level when he is presented with the Eternal.

Friends have preached to me about how we have lost the reverential nature of the Mass.  I disagree.  I am a theology student at a good, orthodox Catholic university, where we have beautiful, faithful liturgies.  I have made an extensive study of liturgy, both as a student and a layman in the pews.  Granted, not every parish or priest celebrates the Sacred Mysteries the way it is supposed to be celebrated, and many have heard the stories about priests dressed in clown suits, or with Disney colored vestments confecting the sacraments.  That being said, I would wager that most priests are following the rubrics that are laid out in the Sacramentary and the General Instruction of the Roman Missal (GIRM).  The Mass of Vatican II, when celebrated the way the Council intended, with all of the reverence, incense, candles, and music that are supposed to be a part of the Eucharistic liturgy, can be just as reverent and awe-inspiring as a Tridentine liturgy. 

I realize that in several places in the text of the Sacramentary, the translation is poor, if not out and out wrong.   God willing, the new texts are going to be approved and promulgated soon.  I am all for a better, clearer, and more accurate, yet reverent and faithful translation of the Latin.  These bad translations, while they may be softer, warmer and fuzzier, are the demonstration of what happens when you allow people to mix their personal agendas with liturgy, rather than letting the words stand on their own.  Many of these scholars had and continue to have personal issues with dogmatic principles that are at the very heart of our salvific Faith-Jesus as the Son of God made flesh, born of a Virgin, crucified, died, and resurrected, and reigning in glory to return and judge all of mankind.  These core principles were questionable in the minds of many of these scholars, and thus, we have the problems of today.  If you deny the Incarnation, what business do you have calling yourself a Catholic theologian, let alone working on the texts of the liturgy?  These same scholars don’t give the average Catholic in the pew enough credit, foisting their own phobias and issues on the people of God.  Having God addressed as Father is not offensive to most people.  He revealed Himself to man as Father, and most people are OK with that.  As for talking about sin, death, judgment and suffering… well…we are Catholics!  We should talk about sin, death, judgment and suffering, and if it makes people uncomfortable, GOOD!  That is called conviction, and it is what drives people to their knees and the Sacrament of Penance.

My concern is not with what the Holy Father did.  He is the Vicar of Christ, the Successor of Peter, the Supreme Pastor and I love and respect him immensely.  After all, I had a Cardinal Ratzinger Fan Club T-shirt long before he became Pope.  My concern rests with the Traditionalist movement itself.  I am still afraid that bringing the Old Mass back gives recognized establishment to a split-level Catholicism, much like there are two levels of Anglicanism.  The “High Church” Catholics, which would be devoted to the Tridentine Mass, and the “Low Church” Catholics, which would be those who attend a liturgy celebrated according to the rubrics of the Mass of Vatican II.  I fear that this will lead not to greater unity, but more division.  There is already division between those of us who love the post- conciliar liturgy, and those who love the old Mass.  I fear that this move will, in the minds of the Traditionalists, give credence and vindication to their resentment of Vatican II and those that have embraced the Council, driving the wedge even deeper, to the point of a fissure. 

It is my hope and prayer that I am wrong.  It is possible that the lifting of the restraints on the Tridentine Liturgy will heal many wounds that have festered far too long.  The changes of Vatican II were not well implemented.  I did not witness the process of change, but I am told by people that I respect that it was a difficult transition.  The Council Fathers did not intend to have altar rails and high altars torn out with machinery ordinarily reserved for forestry work.  I love the beauty of those old high altars.  I love all of the statues, artwork and filigree.  They should not have been removed, as they are a visual representation of our Faith and Heritage.  Removing them was a poor, misguided and outright deceitful reading of the Council documents.  We are Catholics, and our churches should be filled with beauty celebrating the creation and the Creator.  The Eucharist is to be reserved in the tabernacle, and is to be in the center of every church.  When I see a church that has Our Lord in a side chapel, or a corner, or even off to the side of the sanctuary, it pains me, sometimes to the point of tears.  You would not ask the President to move out of the Oval Office and into the Blue Room because it is more convenient and aesthetically pleasing, so why would you ask the King of the Universe to do the same?

And I wish we did some things differently in the Novus Ordo Mass.  I like a little Latin the responses, especially the “Agnus Dei” and the Pater Noster, but I like to sing the “Gloria” in English.  I wish we could bring back the kneeling for Holy Communion, and have it on the tongue, and not in the hand.  I also wish people would dress better for Holy Mass.  Not a 3 piece suit, but nice clean clothes, your Sunday Best as it were, even if that is a clean pair of jeans.  I would prefer to only have boys serve at the altar, as I truly believe this is where Priestly Vocations are nurtured. 

Thrusting the old Mass back on the average Catholic will not heal the wounds of the past, but could possibly create new ones, or deepen old ones.  Most Catholic Christians are going to Mass, raising their families, and trying to do the right thing.  If a lesson is to be learned from the abruptness of the liturgical changes of Vatican II, it is this- the move to allow the Tridentine liturgy anywhere and everywhere must have a careful and very pastoral approach. Vatican II reforms should have been handled this way, but alas, was not.  Questions will continue to need to be answered with clear thought and direction, and the Moto Proprio not restrained or crimped as some bishops have done.  All these details, I leave up to the Holy Father and the bishops.   

It is my hope and prayer that the Traditionalist spirituality will continue to be one of the paths to holiness found in the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church.  I trust the Holy Spirit to blow where He wills.  All I am asking is this, those of you who love the Mass of the Council of Trent, please do not belittle us, or make us out to be unfaithful Catholics simply on the criteria that we prefer the Mass of Vatican II, and will most likely continue to prefer it, Moto Proprio or not.  I respect your spirituality for what it is-the way you speak to God, and He speaks to you.  Please respect mine as the same.  We are both Catholic, we both love the Church, and we both love Our Lady.  Most of all, we both want the same thing- to serve Christ and see His Church in all of Her radiant glory triumphantly bring His kingdom into this world for all men to know, love and serve Him.  This is our Calling.  This is our Mission.  This is the Faith.  This is the Faith of the Church.  This is Our Faith.  Amen.

  DISCLAIMER: OK, first let me say that I realize I am probably going to upset some of my Protestant brothers and sisters (both literal and figurative)…. And I mean no offense.  I can only speak to my own experiences of growing up as a Pastors Kid (PK) with a father who was a pastor in an Evangelical denomination, where we lived in the parsonage (the home that the pastor lives in with his family that is owned by the local church where the pastor serves).    I also have to say that I love my parents very much; I think my dad is an amazing preacher and Minister of the Gospel.  When he was a fulltime pastor (up until I was in the 6^th grade), he was a very good, devoted pastor to his very large congregation (considering the small town it was in) and the small community we lived in. And I also do not want to get into the whole Orthodox/Eastern Rite debate either.  I am a Latin Rite Catholic, and that means celibacy is the norm.    

           Recently, due to events transpiring in Florida with “Father Oprah”, or his real name of Father Cutie (pronounced kooT-E-A).  He was photographed with a woman who he asserts he is in love with, and wants to continue his relationship with her, but also desires to continue to be a Catholic priest.   He has been suspended from active ministry until the Bishops can sort it all out. He might be returned to the lay state, which is called being laicized, or he might be allowed to continue to be an active priest, after doing some reflecting and penance.  I can almost one hundred percent assure you though one thing- he will not be allowed to continue to see this woman AND be an active priest.

This event has caused the media to erupt into a circus, once again jumping on the bandwagon against the Church and Her stance on the discipline of the celibate priesthood.  And it a discipline, not a dogma, and could be changed, but it won't be.  Since I have a unique perspective here, as someone who is preparing for the priesthood, but grew up in the ministry with a father and mother who are both ordained ministers in the denomination they continue to be a part of (Evangelical Friends), I thought I should weigh in.

Some background… I grew up in a small, rural town in one of the flat Plains states, where my dad was the pastor of a large Friends Church.  There is a small Friends college there, in this town of about 800 people, where about 600-700 went to the church my dad served, and about 100 or so went to the local Methodist church.  Those were your 2 local choices.  There were 4 Catholic families in town, and they drove 23 miles to go to Holy Mass.  Being Senior Pastor at this local church was and is a big deal….he really has more day to day responsibilities for the good of the local community than the mayor (which is a part-time job).  Being his son, there was a place of honor that went with that… but it came with a big price ticket too.  EVERYONE watched what I was doing, and were quick to report it when I strayed from acceptable behavior.  You grow up in a fishbowl when you live in a parsonage.  It’s just the way it is.  You are expected to dress a certain way, to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to speak a certain way…. Your life is under the magnifying glass all the time.  Ask any grown preachers kid, and they will tell you, if they are really being honest, that growing up in the parsonage is hard.  I think it weighs in as a big factor as to why a lot of PK’s go hog wild (like I did) when we get out of the bowl. 

The hardest thing for my dad, and he and I have talked about this at length many times, was he so often had to choose.  Me or the ministry, my siblings or the church.  I would have something going on… a play, a game, Quiz Bowl….something… and he would have some ministry activity, and he had to choose which one to go to.  And almost always… I lost.  Now, dad had assistants, and a secretary and they did a lot too, but he was the Senior Pastor… and he needed to be there, and I know that….now.  But I needed him too….and he wasn’t there.  I am not whining or complaining here… I am merely stating the facts.  Dad has apologized to me for this over and over, lamenting that he wishes he could have come to more of my activities.  After he left the pastorate, and began the evangelistic mission he founded and is still the president of… the commitments got worse.  It was a matter of him being out doing ministry to put food on the table and keep the lights on… or stay home and see me act in plays and Forensics.  Paying the bills won out… as it should have. 

My point is this, my parents were put into an impossible choice here because they were called to the ministry, and they had a family with kids who were talented and involved in school and community activities.  My sister and I had a little harder because by the time my little brothers got older, my dad’s ministry was more established, and my mom was working as an assistant pastor, so the wolf wasn’t at the door quite as much. 

This is a side effect that I am certain Luther, Calvin and all of the Reformers did not foresee-a pastor having to choose between his family and his parish.  And is something that happens in homes and parsonages all around the world, everyday.  I realize that all parents, whatever their profession, have to make hard choices between work commitments and family ones.  However, there is something special about the ministry, because it is not supposed to be a “job” but a calling.  And there are the social pressures that go along with it that are unique to this calling that I have already mentioned.    Oh sure… there are those who say “it is all worth it, count it all joy, and we all have to suffer for the sake of the Cross.”  I have no problem with making sacrifice and suffering.  But explain that to a 7 year old who is not very good at T-ball and lives to see his dad in the stands cheering him on even when he only hits a single.  How do you count that joy?  How does a father deal with the broken heart of his child when his fidelity to the Lord Jesus and the mission he has been called to hurts his child?  I can trace a lot of rebellion and hurt feelings that came out in my teens and twenties to the resentment I felt about church, ministry, and Christianity in general.  And I am not alone… I have talked to a lot of other PK’s… some who rebelled, and some who didn’t, and most have at least some of these feelings.  

We serve a merciful, loving Heavenly Father.   He has called men and women to serve Him from the very beginning.  He called them during the first centuries after the Apostles died, He called them during the Middle Ages, He called them during the Black Plague, and He called them before, during, and after the Reformation, in both the Catholic Church and the various Reform communities.  I am not going to argue the merits of the Reformation… that is a different post.  The Lord Jesus, being All Sovereign King, worked with and through the events of history and continued to raise up workers in His Vineyard.  But I firmly believe it was not first in His mind for a man to have to choose between his family, and his calling.  When I was still Protestant, one of my tensions with my calling to the ministry was my NOT feeling called to marriage.  When I converted, that tension evaporated.  There have been celibate priests starting at Pentecost, and there will continue to be so until the Lord returns. 

            A celibate priest has a unique gift, in that he is married to the Church.  Because he acts in persona Christi, in the person of Christ, the Church is his Bride.  So, when he is performing his priestly-ministry duties, he is spending time with and serving and loving his Spouse.  He does not have to choose between one family and another.  He takes vows to be faithful to Her, to love Her, to serve Her, to protect Her.  Breaking these vows is what has gotten Fr. Cutie in trouble.  He made a promise to be faithful to His Bride, the Church… and he broke that promise.  He committed adultery against Her.  It is not his breaking of his vow of chastity that is and was the initial problem.  This was a problem of the will, his obedience to his calling.  He put his desires first; he broke a promise; he was disobedient.  This is the sin of the Garden, sinning in one’s heart before there is any outward expression of it. 

            As a priest, I know I will have to make some hard choices.  I will have to guide people to make even harder ones.  I will have to bear the burden of the Calling, the Life of the Cross, dying to myself each and every time a Sacrament is celebrated- be it Baptism when I pour water over a baby’s head, knowing I will never have one of my own; or hearing Confessions and listening to a husband or wife’s struggles in marriage knowing I go back to an empty bed without a spouse; witnessing a Marriage and knowing that I cannot know the joys of the marital embrace.   This is the life of a priest; this is the Life of the Lord. 

However, I also know that there are many rich blessings.  I will never have children of my own, but I have wonderful niece and nephews, and I have seen so many priests who are loved by the children of their parishes.  I will never have to choose between my son or daughter, and my flock.   I will not be a physical father, but I will be a spiritual father to countless ones.  I will witness many marriages, give counsel be a vessel of mercy and forgiveness through Confession.  I will continue to have close female friendships to draw on when offering advice.  Intimacy must move beyond the physical, (as we see when those who are in “love” relationships that is based sole on attraction and sex wither and die) I have many close, intimate friend relationships with women that have absolutely nothing to do with sexual relations.  I will have the unique blessings of being able to give the Very Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus to the multitudes through the Eucharist.  In doing this, I offer the bread and the wine, I offer the Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus, I offer myself, which is the greatest act of Love, and I do not have to choose between my spouse, my family, or my calling.  I only have to choose to be a good priest; I have to choose to be obedient; I have to choose to be holy. 

I am in Colorado right now... chillin with my nephews and my new niece,... so it is why I have not posted in a while.  I will soon... promise.